Currently Playing Blink 182 By blink-182, Blink 182 wish you were here see related

 So I graduate this afternoon and I am Not excited about it. If anything I am kinda blah. I guess that is a bad attitude to have on such things. I am not overly excited about ahving a degree in a feild I do not really enjoy. I am not looking forward to the real world, cause there is nothing really exciting now to do but pay bills. wahoo for that.

I feel trapped I guess, by everything. I should be happy this is a big achievement but instead I am just kind of like "whatever". I am not overly sad about leaving college, and I am definately not happy with leaving it. Ha I guess I just have issues.

Eight months ago I knew what I wanted from life and where I wanted to be and now I stand a collge graduate with no clue, whos parents want her to move back to her home. There is no jobs in Bville so why go there.Why go anywhere, we are just going to get in an endless cycle of being in debt in paying off bills the rest of our lives anyways......

Currently Reading Redeeming Love By Francine Rivers see related

 So it  has been  two months since my last entry. And I can not help but feel if people really wanted to know the rantings of my life that they would check on me in person. But hey I know it is the end of the year  and everyone is thinking of other things.

So I graduate on Sunday. Most of my "friends" wont be there, simply cause it is Mother's day and the end of school, so they have went home. Many of them did not even drop by to say goodbye or ask me to hang out with the last week. There was a girls night one night and a Outback thing for our campus minister, that I knew nothing about til it was over. So much for communication with the bsu. At any rate my college career is over and I am not excited or sad. If anything I am just kinda here. I have no plans for the future after the summer.

I have committed myself to lead a team to Poland this summer. I wont say much about that on here, but if you want to know about it ask me. We owe $1,745.83 a person to go and it seems like all our ideas for funds are not working out very well. We have less than 2 months to get this money together and all I can think of is " God why did you put me in this position." Part of me wishes that I had not had doubts and I had just moved there for the 8th months as the youth minister as I had planned. Atleast then I would have some sort of idea what I am doing for my future.

As for the love life, it is going very well, and I think that is part of my problem in deciding about my future. I do not want to move home after july, but I do not know what I would do in Boone if I stayed close by. Part of me wants to stay close and part of me wants to go away, far away for new adventurous things. So I am just here for now. And none of this goes against my boyfriend cause he is the nicest most caring person in my life now. He does not try to sway me either way, but  I know it would help if i prayed more about it, but I am just in the state where I can kinda pray again, most of the time I do not  and just go with the flow. I know it is bad, but it is like I have so much to concentrate on with the summer, that I just do not have time.  So I dunno.

I go to england in 2 weeks, kinda looking forward to it, kinda not.

Maybe I will update again before then if any one ever reads this thing

Currently Playing Drops of Jupiter By Train see related

Well I am finally back on this thing, not that anyone actually wants to read about the rantings in my life. But for those faithful few who do want to know what is up with me here is the latest.

Yeah I have been hiding it for a few weeks that I am dating this guy, because I know how much our BSU thrives on gossip. Looks like we would have other things to do then pry into the private lives of others. Simply put my love life is no one's business. Then again we are not perfect, so ofcourse others must be intersted in my drama. The scandal ( spell check) is that he is the leader of our praise band  and one of my best friends from the past 3 years. Yeah  it is Ben!  People have been bugging me about him for a long time any way and then I swore I would never date him. God had to be in it, that is the only way to explain this, because if it were on my own, I would never have picked him on my own But after some persuasion I am beginning to see this could  be the beginning of something beautiful. Yeah I know Joel and Tim, isn't that sappy.  

As for my future, It may be looking like I am just going to Poland for 2 weeks this summer and that I will be helping lead a group over there for an English camp. It is still up in the air about that though. However I would not have to worry about my subleaser or anythign if I stayed until July. So maybe that is what I will do.

Tonight I am showing the Passion to my bible study. That should leave an impact on them.......I am excited about Easter and getting to go home and see my family. We always have sunrise service and the men have to cook for the women. Ha ha so Ben will be getting up at 4:30 am with my father and brother.... he he

Now that you are shocked, I will leave you with a quote

"God forges us on an anvil of adversity, for a purpose known only to him. That is the way he prepares us for life." J.E. Broyhill

until later

 this is as close to a sleepy face as I can get....I am currently in the Cheese state on spring break! yeah I know how random is  Wisconsin....lol but I was here visiting some friends from Poland! wahoo for Jola and Wera. However due to some bad weather we have to return soon.

I have had a nice time. lots of awakard silence sometimes, jsut because of communication problems. However, we did go to a great Lake and Iceskating. Althougth my ankles are black and blue now. no I did not fall, but I am so so so sore. I need a hot bath or something......I dread the car ride back tomorrow> 13 HOURS.....UGGGGGGGGG

Flyod  the flaming flamingo and Lyod his friend, have been the highlights of my trip. They like to stop and have their photos taken many places, so it makes for  an interesting saga. Hopefully I can post some pics on here soon

AS for the rest of my life, I have had some interesting developments happen that  have left  me in a shock and awe factor. If I could go into it on here I would, but I just do not want to. I have  been complaining how my life is like slow moving fog and now I am in super warp speed. WHAT IS GOING ON??????? I wish  I could get a grip on something.....so my favorite phrase is just " I DUNNO" for right now cause I really am stabbing at the dark now

 so maybe I am a little dramatic, but I am a girl so I have rights to  be!

Questions of the days

What should I do after college?

How long should I stay in Poland?

Should I let myself be pursued?

Seminary or no seminary?

drama, missionairy?

sigh no wonder I am over dramatic

Currently Reading The Canterbury Tales (Penguin Classics) By Geoffrey Chaucer, Nevill Coghill see related

 I honestly do not think that many people read this thing,but a good friend told me to write out my thoughts and that I would feel better about things. SO here I am.. he he, funny I use to write all the time but I have not had time to sit down and do that in a while.

Alot of interesting break throughs are happening in my life, which I do not wish to go into now, but I do have alot of decisions to make about my future soon. I need to get back to Poland and feel sane again. Atleast there I have some sort of grip on God's greatness and mercies. There is to much Noise here for me to focus any more.

I have been thinking alot about relationships and I realize just how fickle I really am. I say I want something then I change my mind.. I say I wont act or do these certain things and then bam I am there doing them. I have been trying to play God in that area of my life for a long time, to the point that I do not even know what I want out of a relationship or what to look for any more. All I know is that I want to be pursued..but  It is pointless to even think about all of this now as I am trying to get ready for graduation.

IN short, I have way to many questions that are unanswered at this point.  And I am tired of wearing  a mask all the time.

On the bright side I am going on a road trip to WI to see some polish friends for the week! I am so excited I need to get away from everyone here in Boone for a while and my problems. We are going to buy a yard gnome and take pics with it on the way! he he he how fun is that..........

random rant I hate acting like I am 5..if you are reading this you know what i mean